BacK to UsuaL ... only not really.

So I've been home now....
nearly five weeks. time goes fast.
Last night I went to a party for one of my little sister's friends.
Her name is Eliza. she turned 16.
being a missionary has made me alot more aware of others.
And it felt natural to offer to help at this party.
Eliza's mom thanked me, she told me that I helped right when she needed me.
Just like a missionary.
that part almost made me cry.
I probably would have cried if i wasn't surrounded by cheery teenagers.
[[i didn't want to be the party killer]]
ah. I miss being a missionary.
I'm naturally awkward, but I fit right in in the mission field.
As a missionary, "awkward" is the new "awesome".
That all changes when the name tag comes off.
Socializing.... well. that's a whole new ball game.
I went to a fireside tonight. I brought a friend, so I had to stay and "socialize" afterward.
I stood against the wall the whole time.
I think i kinda hoped the wall would swallow me whole and i would be spared the awkward pain of having to talk to anybody I didn't know.
James and Andrew saved me from being completely overwhelmed towards the end.
We started talking about our missions.
I truly and seriously used to make alot of fun of people like me.
But now?
well, I'll tell you.
I'm most comfortable in a skirt.
and a backpack.
talking about the gospel.
and testifying about how it's blessed me.
call me crazy.
I do.

~*~*~hold on to that feeling~*~*~

wHo I waSn'T

You know. I used to make fun of people like me.
people who would talk about things they'd done
like there was never going to be anything greater.
I'm who i used to make fun of.
I guess what goes around comes around.
because, boy i've had some of the best experiences
that life has to offer.
there's been ups.
and alot of downs.
but ah, how I love.
so no matter the ups, or the downs
or the crazies
It is. and was. and ever will be.
all worth every
single
solitary
second.

Little Romance

Everyone wants some big, life changing moment.
sometimes, we think we might have it.
we get married, we have children, we graduate from college, we move somewhere new.
but in the end, it all turns out to disappoint us, i think.
we expect this big, life changing moment.
and, after while, it just turns out to be life.
some people search their whole lives for this moment.
they work, they fail, they succeed.
but really, it's all life-changing only in hindsight.
it's hard to learn to appreciate ourselves, in the moment.
we get all dressed up, we put on our pretty shoes, and we wait.
I, for one, am in the mood to dance now.
and try to enjoy whatever i can get.

Ready to throw my shoes away... in the mood for love

beComiNg...

We forget.
forget that the stars shine when the sun is out.
forget what our mama's face looks like when we fall asleep.
sometimes, we forget what year it is, or our birthdays, or our names.
We forget the ones we love, or have loved.
forget the million red m&m's.
forget more than everything.
forget the flowers, and the kisses, and the happy moments that make life complete.
forget the one thing that at some point, mattered more than anything.
sometimes, we experience pain we say we could never forget because it just hurts
so. much.
but. life goes on.
and we forget.
the best we can do is not let the bad things.
over shadow those moments that make us take the next step.
it's very hard to do.
and i'm sure i will have to teach myself how to do this,
and it will take my whole long, arduous, joy-filled, wonder-filled, pain-filled life.
but maybe in the end.
all those bad things that seemed like the end of the world....
i will forget.

eNdleSs kiSses 'til mY eYes chaNge coLorS

I have to be honest.
I love science fiction. My daddy and my brothers got me into serenity, firefly, orson scott card and ender’s game, star wars, I love it all.
I laugh too loud. I have to remember to close my mouth when I laugh so it doesn’t wake up the whole street.
My brothers are my favorite, and when someone teases me like my brothers tease me, I crack up. I can’t help it, I just love to be reminded that every boy I ever date is or could be a brother too. And trust me, he will get on my nerves.
Weird habit? I blow spit bubbles. Gross, huh? It grosses my friends out. And I’m totally guilty of liking it. When I find something that grosses my really good friends out, I definitely take a brother attitude on about it and do it over and over to them until they start crying.
And do you know what? I love dancing in the rain. And watching girly movies. I love them!! Girly movies that make me cry, laugh, and feel good about myself. And write little blurbs like this, blurbs about my style.
This is my style. If I see sprinklers when I’m driving, I pull over so I can run in them. Sometimes, I leave fast food wrappers in my car, and my room is always a mess. I try to keep it clean but there just isn’t enough time in the day. I never make my bed and I can sleep just about anywhere.
When I grow up, I wanna fall in love. Real love, not that trashy romance novel kinda love. The kind where the boy opens the door and I melt, the kind where he annoys the crap outta me and I just laugh because, oh it is love. The kind that makes me wanna listen to music and write my own lyrics about how my life was happy, but I never knew it could be this happy.
Love is lovely. I can’t click my heels. I try but I just look like an idiot. But that’s how happy I am, all the time. I just feel happy. And I want to better myself so when that love comes, I’m ready for it. I love climbing trees and running barefoot, everywhere! And sweet battle scars. But sometimes I like to get all girly, to curl my hair put on makeup and listen to Norah Jones or Michael Buble and wear perfume and my mama’s jewelery (which is always better than mine) and sing. Loud, in the shower. I just like to.
I like dorky things. I like fun things. I like knight in shining armor things. I like to stay up late, and wake up early. I like to talk to random people, about their lives and the places they’ve been and the people they’ve met and the places they think I should go and the places they’d never recommend. And about the things they love, and the things they’re passionate about and the things I’m passionate about.
Ooh, and when I grow up, I want kids. Lots of kids to grow old with. And play with. And teach how to love music, how to love life, and how to get up when they fall, and how to never, ever quit, like my parents taught me.
At least in life. I quit the piano twice, and now I regret it. I quit trying to learn Spanish, and now I regret it. But I’m fixing it. I’m learning these things. I’m learning what things are important, what things I want to do right.
That’s whats great. I can always fix it, I can always learn from every single experience and take it with me and remember it.
Well. That’s all I wanted to write.

Oh yeah PS. I am scared of frogs. And lizards. But no one should know that. Cuz technically… I’m not supposed to be scared of anything.

sometimes, when i should be thinking of other things...
i'm thinking of you instead.
of only you.
of dreams, and hopes, and wishes and whispers of you.
Oh, there are other things to be done in daily life.
dishes, homework, reading to be done, meals to be made.
But they're all wrapped in thoughts of you anyway.
I know i'm silly, and that's okay.
Because i know everyone wishes they were as silly as me.
Sitting in a restaurant, you next to me whispering so the people next to us wouldn't hear...
maybe it was then.
walking into the house, right outside the front door, stealing kisses so no one else could see...
maybe it was then.
somewhere in between
all those Brazilian museum rocks
and waking up to your voice on the phone.
somewhere in there, i think i tripped and started falling
stopped caring that you called me silly nicknames and started loving it
ooh..... you make me crazy.
i couldn't care less what happens later.
i want now, i want it all, i wanna love it and hold it
and keep it inside me forever. and always too :)

"oh, say, wouldn't you like..."

The sMiLe Procurator

Wrote this story a few years back. just found it and thought it'd be fun to share :)

The Smile Procurator
Long, long ago, there used to be a Smile procurator. And he was in charge of all the Smiles. And there was a princess. She was the most beautiful princess, and kind. now, the Smile procurator was quite often stingy with the Smiles he allowed. If you appealed to him on a good day, he might grant you a twinkle in your eye, often a smirk, or maybe a glimmer of happiness, but rarely did he grant a Smile. But the Smile procurator had a secret: secretly, the only person he ever wanted to grant a smile was the beautiful princess. And while everyone went around the land frowning and glaring, the procurator occupied his time trying to give the princess one of his Smiles. But the princess would never have it. She want all around the gloomy land, doing kind deeds for those who were troubled (which was everyone). One day, the procurator designed a plan: whoever the princess came into contact with that day, he would later grant a Smile, just to see if the princess noticed. So, as the princess went around the land, helping one person and fixing another, the Smile procurator followed, granting Smiles to those she touched. And a wonderful thing happened: Wherever the princess went, Sunshine followed! And it lit up the whole land! It made it Brilliant and Bright! And as the princess turned around to look at those whom she had helped, She beheld the awe-struck Smile procurator, who up to this point had not realized the special power of what he could do. And the pincess said to the Smile procurator: "What beauty! You see what my kindness and your Smiles have done for the kingdom! Smile procurator, you're the only one who can make me Smile!" So she married him and they had beautiful, smiling babies and lived forever in Happiness.
The End.
(ps. he played the guitar for her and sang her to sleep and told her how beautiful she was.)
Always.