ah. Serenity.

I'm sitting at work.
just sitting.
I didn't get here til later, so by the time I got here, the kids had just been put to bed.
Do you know how hard it is to get 5 kids in bed?
...not easy. try it sometime.
right now, they've been "put to bed" for about ... an hour and a half.
I can still hear them up there, laughing, talking, hitting things, occasionally arguing....
you know, if I were a good baby-sitter, I'd go up and say
"hey you kids! quiet down and go to sleep 'fore I throw ya all in the brig!!"
but secretly... I kind of enjoy listening to them.
There are times, I guess, when very little things that occur take on a very large meaning. I think I am at that point in my life.
I believe there's a scripture in the Book of Mormon about that -- "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
This is one of my "small and simple" moments.
where I just sit back
and bask in
and enjoy
all that life has to offer.

~*you can't take the sky from me~*

Nocturne...

I took a communications class once and learned about internal noise.
I have alot of that going on lately.
I was walking to class today, and just thinking and thinking.
About what I want to do, who I want to end up being.
a couple of weeks ago, someone told me that I needed to ask myself where I wanted to be in 5 years, and then just go for it.
I thought to myself, I do not want to be working shifts in a hospital in 5 years. Not that it's a bad thing, that just isn't where I see myself.
I love adventure. I want to have it. lots and lots of it! but... I can't really major in adventure.
I want to serve others, that is what I want. I want to put myself in a position where I can help others, where I can give them something that they don't have, and in turn, I get to meet people and make new friends and forge these rich new relationships.
I love where I'm working right now. It is, I think, one of the things that has inspired me to want to serve others. I feel, sometimes, like I am helping the kids I work with, like maybe I am doing something important.
I can't wait to stop feeling like... like a "wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed." That is how it is, this other life. It's just ... a bit unstable. I'm so grateful for the Rock that I'm trying so hard to stay anchored to =)
~*you've got to lose to know how to win~*

Tonight.Tonight

It's interesting to go from a place where prayer solves every problem...
to a place where you feel like prayer can't solve any problems.
Even though my heart knows it really can,
my ... everything else.... screams out that that's just silly.
These are my obstacles, I should love them.
~*I know the heart of life is good~*

This is how it works....

Oh Man....
Who knew life would be so confusing.refreshing.wonderful.
I wonder if I'm odd... I think about Houston every day.
at least once a day, a moment will take me back there...
back to riding my bike in the 90% humidity in July.
back to the love I felt for these young women
who I spent every waking hour of every day with
for anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months.
Ah. back to the love that I feel for the people there.
But here I am, trying to figure life out.
And you know, I love it just as much.
yeah, it's a little different, but missionary service has given me such a perspective about God's love for me, about life, about all of Heavenly Father's children.
I still do and say dumb things fairly often. I still mess up. But, you know, i feel alot more grounded. alot more myself. Just more confident, I think.
This is good.

*take that love you made. and stick it into some. someone else's heart. pumpin' someone else's blood*

I SociAliZed!!!

.... and it was fun!!
I have spent the last six weeks fighting integration into the social world.
but guess what!! yesterday AND today I had fun with people that weren't married and weren't my family!!!
I AM SO AWESOMMMMEEE!!!
now on to the next big step: ...
I think it's dating.
I can't think about that yet!
BUT!!
I'm sure I will get there!
and when I do!
you better look out world =)

This morning I studied the very end of the Book of Helaman, in the Book of Mormon.
In chapter 16 verse 21, the wicked people have just finished hearing Samuel, the Lamanite. ah, I love Samuel. He is just so... pure. God tells him to do it, he has no fear and does it. so anyway, in verse 21, they are rationalizing their wickedness, saying that the prophets have "worked some great mystery which we cannot understand, which will keep us down to be servants to their words, and also servants unto them."
Is it just me, or is it a pattern throughout the scriptures:
People don't make sense.
how does it make any sense that these prophets, who are only declaring the word of God, who are asking no money, no support, they are only striving to bring people closer to Christ, they are asking nothing, only declaring repentance, and yet the wicked say that it is done to make people servants of the prophets.
What are they doing to serve the Prophets?
they're not even listening!
they're just throwing rocks and shooting arrows.
I guess I just don't see it.
What I do see, however, is that wicked people work up "some mystery which they cannot understand" unto themselves. they get so into these crazy theories, these false doctrines mingled with small traces of true doctrine, and it all just becomes too mysterious to believe.
I am so grateful to have a living Prophet.
We are encouraged to study the fundamentals of the gospel, the basic principles:
faith, repentance, the atonement of Jesus Christ.
these are basic doctrines.
God loves each and every one of His children.
He has a plan for each of us to return to live in His presence.
The only way to Him is in and through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I loved this scripture about Grace i found the other day:
2 Nephi 10:24
I love the scriptures. they bring me closer to Christ.
Pray, ask God, receive.
the answers are there.

*floating along as the melody comes*

BacK to UsuaL ... only not really.

So I've been home now....
nearly five weeks. time goes fast.
Last night I went to a party for one of my little sister's friends.
Her name is Eliza. she turned 16.
being a missionary has made me alot more aware of others.
And it felt natural to offer to help at this party.
Eliza's mom thanked me, she told me that I helped right when she needed me.
Just like a missionary.
that part almost made me cry.
I probably would have cried if i wasn't surrounded by cheery teenagers.
[[i didn't want to be the party killer]]
ah. I miss being a missionary.
I'm naturally awkward, but I fit right in in the mission field.
As a missionary, "awkward" is the new "awesome".
That all changes when the name tag comes off.
Socializing.... well. that's a whole new ball game.
I went to a fireside tonight. I brought a friend, so I had to stay and "socialize" afterward.
I stood against the wall the whole time.
I think i kinda hoped the wall would swallow me whole and i would be spared the awkward pain of having to talk to anybody I didn't know.
James and Andrew saved me from being completely overwhelmed towards the end.
We started talking about our missions.
I truly and seriously used to make alot of fun of people like me.
But now?
well, I'll tell you.
I'm most comfortable in a skirt.
and a backpack.
talking about the gospel.
and testifying about how it's blessed me.
call me crazy.
I do.

~*~*~hold on to that feeling~*~*~

wHo I waSn'T

You know. I used to make fun of people like me.
people who would talk about things they'd done
like there was never going to be anything greater.
I'm who i used to make fun of.
I guess what goes around comes around.
because, boy i've had some of the best experiences
that life has to offer.
there's been ups.
and alot of downs.
but ah, how I love.
so no matter the ups, or the downs
or the crazies
It is. and was. and ever will be.
all worth every
single
solitary
second.