Lightning strikes the heart...

I really love going back and reading the things that I've written. 

            

Justin trying to keep Jax from eating him.

I don't write enough for it to be a real accounting of things that have happened, but I should. Maybe that's one of those things I should add to a long list of goals I need to accomplish. Keep a consistent journal. Or blog at least twice, weekly. 
Jax is doing so many new things every day! Right now his daddy is holding him, and Justin is in constant awe of Jax's ability to gnaw on his fingers. The minute you pick him up, he wants to stand on you. And the minute he stands on you, he wants to gnaw on your hands. Crazy baby. This week has been a week of milestones for him. He's learned to roll over and giggle! which, can I just say, is super adorable. here is a video of his cute giggling. He's so much fun to play with.  Ah, I just love being a mommy. It is so fun. It's so funny because I can't stop taking videos, and pictures, and just trying to record all of the things he does, so we can look back on it later and enjoy it, to just remember. He's growing so fast and I just never want him to grow up. I know he has to. It's so sad for me to think about, even now with him so little, him going to his first day of kindergarten, or going to middle school (okay that's the scariest one for me), or graduating from high school, driving, buying a car, going to college.... I just want everything that was ever good for him. I'm not always going to be able to baby him, though. I'm going to have to let go someday. So I'm just holding on as tight as I possibly can right now, trying to enjoy everything (yes, the crying included... not really succeeding on that front, though). 
I feel like even though those milestones are scary to think about, I have so much time. and when all of my six beautiful babies are out of the house, I have a really fun husband who will surely entertain me. He does now. Yesterday he cracked me up, because he was telling me that he texted his parents to tell them that Jax rolled over. His dad texted back "cool." and his mom texted back "Now you need to be very careful about putting him on elevated surfaces." and Justin tells me, "I guess we better not tell her that that's how we found out." (I was seriously like, two feet away trying to find a pen.) I am a very blessed wife and mother. Even though our baby is going to have to live through some of our trial and error. And we are probably going to have to live through some of each others' interesting quirks. It is a good life. 

~*brighter than the sun~*

Goodnight, my angel.

I came to a stunning realization in a mall in Colorado last week.
Colorado being the home of some of the more deadly shootings that have happened in the recent past, you can understand how this particular incident would set my nerves on edge. 
As we were walking on the second story of the Centennial mall near Denver, we all suddenly heard the voice of a panicked man echoing off of the walls.
"AUDREY! AUDREY! AUDREY ELIZABETH!"
Probably because of the high ceilings and what the walls are made out of, the voice seemed to bounce around for miles. My heart immediately started racing and I looked for the nearest safe haven. In the past my  mind might immediately have gone to how I could be a hero, but having a child really changes all of that. I rehearsed how I would protect my baby should I find myself in the middle of gunfire or anything similar.
Probably, it was just a man who had lost his daughter and could only think of one good way to find her: yell for her. I'm sure he didn't think of the panic he could possibly incite, and thankfully his yelling quieted soon after it started.
I feel sad that we have to live in a world where that is the first place our mind goes. Not helping this panicked man, not even wondering what he was yelling about or trying to help him. Simply finding a place to hide, finding safety, our most basic need. 
I often reflect on how the death of a loved one would change me. Sometimes I work myself up so much over all the things that could happen to my sweet baby boy. 
It's those times that I'm so grateful for God's plan for us. 
So grateful knowing that no matter what happens, God, in His infinite wisdom, has provided a way for us to be together. I do believe that God is a merciful, loving God, and that He will provide a way for all of us to have those we love when this life is over. 
I just ache for those families in Connecticut that had to go through incomprehensible horror. Not only those parents who were dealt the crushing blow of learning their sweet little ones were victims of unconscionable hate, but also those parents who waited in the wings to find out if their babies had made it out okay, only to have to explain something no parent should ever have to explain, and something no child should ever have to comprehend. 
But I do think, that amidst the horror of things like this, there comes an undefinable beauty to life, if we choose to find it, to look for it, and to embrace it. 
and that, in itself, is undeniable evidence of our Father in Heaven's love for us. 
so cool. 

~I will never be far away~

Let them be little...

I just can't believe how tiny you are.
How such a little body can produce such loud noises.
The ability those loud noises have to set my nerves right on edge.
Oh, I can't believe those little smiles, how they can wrench my heart.
And how your crying almost breaks it.
I hate to see tears rolling down your cheeks, hate to see you cry, so much that I almost inevitably follow suit.
I could watch you sleep for the rest of my life.
      Your lashes resting on your cheeks.
      Your little lips slightly parted, those lips that look just like your daddy's.
And that hair. all that crazy hair, that crazy hair that never does what it's told.
I never knew that there would be a time where my heart just wanted to burst, and light flood out of my skin with all that I feel, too much to be contained in one human body.
There is so much that I want you to know, that I hope I can teach you, but right now I just hope you never, ever grow up and have to experience the pain that life can so often be.
I just can't believe how tiny you are.
Oh, but you're so lovely.

*give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day*

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It snowed this morning! I woke up to this beautiful scene outside my front door. 

I know I live in Utah now, so snow shouldn't be this exciting, but just look at it! it's so beautiful. 

                                                                

 I mean, just to be perfectly fair, I think as a born and raised so-cal girl who can probably count on her fingers the number of times she saw snow in the winter, I'm entitled to be a little overly excited. 

 I think the coolest part is that it's still snowing. I'm sure that news will not be as exciting in a week though. 


 I tried to get the mountains in the picture below, but the cloud cover was pretty heavy so you can't really see it. 

I definitely like the snow =) It's baby J's first snow and someone gave me the cutest little snow outfit for him, he looks so cute all cuddled up in his fuzzy snow outfit =) Also, he sleeps alot in it because it's so warm. so that's a plus side =) 

*baby, it's cold outside*

***Your little hand is wrapped around my finger ***

There are so, so many opinions on how to be a mommy out there.
There are opinions on how to feed my baby...
How to diaper my baby.... 
How to clean, love, hold, and sleep my baby.
Trust me, if it's been thought of, it's out there. 
I wish that I could have automatically known what kind of a mom I was going to be before I had baby J. There were so many things that I said I wouldn't or would do, that I now do or don't do. 
For example, I said I would never sleep with my baby in my bed. That he would sleep next to me in a cradle for a couple of months, and then off to his very own room in a crib all his own. 
We set up a beautiful nursery, and baby got our only dresser. (daddy and I use cardboard boxes). 
Then comes the baby. 
Do you see where this is going?
I do a whole lot of research when I start to do something I never thought I'd be comfortable with. 
I found good advice for co-sleeping here and here. That last one has alot of links that you can also go to to learn more.
My doctor insisted that co-sleeping was a terrible idea, and when I told her that was controversial, she said, "Well, just look at the numbers and you'll see I'm right." So I did. (This link was the closest thing to official numbers that I found).  If you're going to give me your opinion, as a professional, then you better make sure your research has been done some time after 1965 when you went to medical school.

I'm starting to learn what kind of a parent I am.
Being a parent is not something you really know how to do until you're actually doing it.
It's the ultimate hands-on experience, not something anyone can tell you how to do,
not something you can learn from books.
You just have to dive in and do your best. 

My point is that we all learn to be parents, by doing it. Not by listening to our friends, or even our family, or even our doctors. That advice is so important to listen to, but in the end, you find your own style. 
Not just about being a parent. Also about being human. We all do it in our own ways, and there are very few ways that actually suck. (I say very few because there are definitely some). 
I like my way. I'm willing to make a few course corrections when I find something better, or when I get advice that I deem good. usually by some research of my own into the topic.
This is how I live, and I love it =)
**ooh, Darlin' don't you ever grow up**

Holy 8 months later. Can I just say that.
Can you believe all the things that can happen in 8 months?
8 months ago, I wasn't growing a human.
8 months ago, I was getting close to ... MARRIAGE... what the heck...
I don't think I knew, 8 months ago, that looking back would seem so far away.
But now, here I am, living the happiest
and the craziest, and the most ... roller-coaster-y part of my life
well, maybe not the MOST... I can think of one or two other times that were more emotionally distressing but... not many.
There are some moments over these last few months that I can just look back on and cry.
There are some of those moments that I just look back on and smile.
And at any point during the day, today, tomorrow... I can put my hand on my tummy
and feel my little family member inside there, just moving around
And just daydream about meeting him
and dread all the hard times that are ahead
and wonder about the good times that are ahead, all those "overwhelming joy" moments that I hear so much about but have yet to experience.
I think I'm in for the ride of my life.
With my best friend at my side.
What could be better.

Stay, Stay, Stay

This is my mommy journal. Because let's be honest. It's pretty hard to write in my journal with a baby sleeping on my body. So here it goes. 
Being a mommy. Everyone has told me from the beginning of forever that it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. I'm not quite sure what those rewards are just yet. Baby will be 8 weeks old tomorrow (Halloween, incidentally) and he still has yet to stand up and sing my praises. He did, however, grab a rattle last night, shake it around, and when he heard the noise he giggled a little and started shaking it again. When daddy saw this, he got tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face. A little embarrassed, he took baby's hand and shook it, showing him how to really shake that rattle. "Babe," I say, ever the faithless, "he won't be able to do that yet." at precisely that moment, baby starts shaking his hand around exactly as daddy showed him. I'll show you, mommy. 
I honestly thought that my personality would go away, that I would lose my sense of ... well, me. Once I lost myself in being wife and mommy to my two precious loves. But it's really stronger than ever. There are things that I do, I realize, that probably are unique from things other mommies do, and I'm starting to realize that that's what makes this world so colorful - we are all so unique. I thought marriage and mommyhood would make a boring person out of me, but I don't think that's possible. I always have fun, I want my family to have fun, to be happy, to learn to love. We all bring all of who we are to a family. We lay it out on the table and use it to make productive people out of our children, the most important little people in our lives. Lives that, up to that point, seemed important, and indeed, important things surely happened, but nothing will ever have quite the same import as cuddling baby when he is sick, and just loving him with more feeling than you thought your heart capable of having. I've loved every stage of my life, and I'm loving this one more than ever. 
~*I've been loving you for quite some time~*