I guess this is growing up

I would like to say something profound about growing up. And that something is, it's fake. It's a farce. It's a fallacy. And probably some other F words too. It's something we made up in our minds to make ourselves feel better about hitting some arbitrary goal that maybe isn't actually important. Sure, as we get older, we do grownup things: Leave home Get married Get a good job buy a house buy a car buy real furniture get a dog have a kid or four Peel our own oranges. And we think, "well now I'm going to feel like a real adult." But guess what? There is no timeline on when we have to grow up, except the ones we put on ourselves. The most important thing you and I can learn as a grown up is this: You are going to make mistakes, sometimes big ones. You are going to say something stupid. You'll probably miss the golden window of time-value of money that starts when you're like, 9. You may alienate a friend. You won't ever feel like you know exactly what the right next step is. And you'll probably experience grief. BUT You are so loved. You can always apologize. The starting line is wherever you are at. You are amazing by being exactly who you are. And so many other cliches. Be kind to yourself. Try to enjoy the moment, don't let anxiety overcome. I believe in you. ~I won't try to argue, or hold it against you~

Well, here's a place I haven't visited in a thousand years. I've had three kids since the last time I blogged. But I'm here for a school assignment, and that's what really matters.

This week, I had a conversation with a friend who is no longer in the church. He is disenchanted with many things about the church, and we talked a little about church culture vs. the gospel. It was a good opportunity for me to bear my testimony of the Book of Mormon. There are definitely things I’m not sure about sometimes, but I do know that the Book of Mormon is true, and I know I feel closer to Jesus when I read it. I think bearing your testimony is not something you do to change other people's minds, but more to strengthen your own testimony and also, to avoid the regret that can sometimes come because we don't speak our truth when we feel it is necessary. 

I really enjoy reading about the Sons of Mosiah. Their missionary work has been such an important story for me – even though no one wanted them, and the scriptures don’t talk much about how they were feeling, except to say, at one point, that their hearts were depressed and they wanted to turn back, they still pressed forward and bore their testimonies. Missionary stories are some of the best to read, because I feel that they inspire a missionary spirit. Ammon is my favorite missionary: He served the people of Ishmael because he loved them. How did he love them? They never loved him, in fact, they tried to kill him, at first. But somehow, God helped Ammon to love the people of Ishmael and to serve them with no thought of anything at all in return. 

In the Christmas season, I often wonder what I can do to serve others. How can I learn to be like Ammon, and like Alma and Amulek, and like all of the other great missionaries? They seemed to know how to serve others without very much knowledge of the people they were serving. They were able to pray to know what to do, and then they were able to serve people, and because of their service, many were brought closer to Christ. 

Bearing my testimony is a good way for me to know how to serve others. Anything I can do to feel the Holy Ghost, will help me be close to the Spirit so I can know what to do to serve others like the people in the scriptures. I am glad that I have a knowledge of my Savior, and that I know that He loves me. 

I wanna be with you night and day

So, I left my camera at home.
Big, big fail on my part because Jax broke my awesome smart phone.  Unfortunately, the camera on my new phone is not as good as my nice galaxy s4, so taking pictures has become a little more difficult, especially if I forget my camera.
AND I SO WISH I HAD IT THIS WEEK!!
We are in California, with my parents while my husband finishes up his first year of law school.
They have a big, beautiful backyard, with a medium sized dog named Cari who is sweet and laid back and perfect for a certain little boy who loves adventure and the outdoors.
We also recently took on 2 other dogs, Lucy and Sawyer, for a friend who is on vacation to Utah (yup, we switched). Today's our first day watching them, but it has been such a blast to watch them all play with each other. Jax pretty much already spent most of the day outside, but now he's been spending even more time out there since he is enjoying 3 dogs!
yup, that's a lot of puppies, but they are doing so well.
Except for a little scare we had this morning! They got out. I freaked out a little, but the minute I ran out the front door and started calling their names, my next door neighbor had them and was watching them... Apparently they can fit through little nooks and crannies that Cari can't. Thankfully they get into their mischief together, because if I'd found one and not the other, I would have been even more panicked.
I can't imagine what all those puppies think about Jax. If I were a puppy, I might be a little jealous that the "human puppy" gets treats when they don't, gets to go with me everywhere, and gets to come inside when they don't. (Well, now Lucy and Sawyer can come inside, but they're in their cages when I can't watch them, and the human puppy doesn't even have a cage.)
All 3 dogs pretty much follow Jax around wherever he goes. I gave Jax a little treat after he woke up from his nap, and then (silly me)  took him and the puppies outside to play in the yard. Lucy followed Jax around and everytime Jax stopped moving, she stopped, as if she was going to get a treat. It was so funny, I had to keep telling her "No, leave Jax alone." They listen really, really well for 6 month old puppies.
Jax laughs every time they chase him around, and it's adorable.
We're having fun here. I love visiting my family.
I miss my handsome husband.
He's the best, he's a hard worker, blah blah blah mushy mushy love <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">

~ I love your way ~

You are my sunshine

It's been too long since I've blogged.
Too, too long.
It just seems like time flies by and if I forget to record things,
ZOOM, they're gone. Just like that.
In the past months, my baby has gotten into just about everything.
He's eaten deodorant, fallen off tables, climbed into his crib...
but not yet out. Thank goodness, not yet out.
In addition to my sweet boy, we found out that we will soon have a new addition to our family.
A baby girl.
Thank goodness my husband's default face makes you hope he won't punch you.
We're going to need that.
I want to reminisce about all the lovely moments I'm having with my boy, all the wonderful things he is doing, all the times he drives me nuts and melts my heart, but that is not where my writing is taking me today.
Today, my writing is taking me here. To you.
I came across the picture while looking at baby girl stuff today.

I just want to let you know, that I think of you every time I come across this sweet little poem.
This poem  that, in your home,  surrounds whoever walks into what is one of the most chaotic rooms that a home with five children has: the laundry room.
I think of how you lived this philosophy. You must have.
I mean, I know I never met you or anything. I wish I had, you seem like a wonderful woman. But I can tell you lived this tale of love, that you wove that love into the lives of your kids. You have two of the sweetest little girls I've ever met. And your boys.
Well, your boys are something else.
They are wild. They are crazy. They made me laugh and I had so much fun with them, even when there were days that I wanted to pull my hair out.
They were very, very loved. It was obvious then, and it is obvious now.
I know I only helped them out for a very short time, but in that short time, I learned many things I could not have learned without your influence.

Your kids talked about you pretty frequently. About things you did, stories they remembered of you, and sometimes, how much they missed you.
I know that you didn't really know me, and that we didn't really know each other, and that maybe it seems silly for someone who was not physically around to have such an impact on me.

But I feel I know you, just a little bit.
and I just want to tell you, thank you for helping me to see that the most important thing we do for our children, is love them and spend time with them. That is an invaluable lesson that I've learned from being with your kids, who were so deeply influenced by you. I hope I can love as purely as you did.

~*you'll never know, dear~*

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You're my sweetheart

I always hear people tell me, "Enjoy these years while you have them, they go by fast" and similar things, about your tiny years.
It happened when you couldn't do a single thing for yourself.
It happened when you started smiling.
It happened when you first rolled over.
It's happened for everything you've done so far.
Now, my happy little monster, you're crawling around, getting close to walking, getting into everything, and you're just so busy being a beautiful beacon of smiling light in a world that can sometimes be a bit of a dismal place.
There are so many things about you that I do appreciate, and I just want to take some time to get it all out in the open before these times are long gone and I'm missing your sweet little face.
I absolutely adore the way that, when I'm in the bathroom, you crawl to the door, push it open and tentatively peek around the door to make sure I'm there. Then, once you verify that I am, indeed, there, you proceed to run your hands up and down the vent on the wall there, by the door, because you like the thrum-thrumming noise it makes.
I smile every time I hear your little hands and knees making their way across the floor, because even though it means my time for doing whatever it is I'm doing at the time has run out, it also means that pretty soon, that bright little smile is going to appear, you're going to pull yourself up on my leg, and stand there waving your little arms around until I pick you up.
Speaking of waving your arms, I love that. I love how you wave your arms when you're happy, when you want to be picked up, and sometimes, in these few weeks before you start to walk, when you take those first few nervous steps, you get so excited that you wave your arms until you fall down.
I think it's adorable (but I try not to laugh) that when I speak sternly to you, when I tell you, "no", that you look at me for a few seconds, and then smile, almost as if you know that by smiling, you can get me to smile.
And it almost works. Every time.
(my heart smiles every single time.)
I love your adventurous spirit. Let me tell you, you sure surprised me the other day when you grabbed the window sill and tried to climb the wall. You are just a fearless little boy.
I love that, no matter how cranky you are, when I put you in the water, you cheer right up, and crawl off into the water as if you don't need me, as if you've now forgotten completely who I am.
My heart just melts every time I come home from work and you reach your little arms out for me.
And I love it when you do it for your daddy too. I love how much you love your Daddy. I love how you know the sound of the door unlocking when daddy comes home, and you crawl towards the door saying, "Da. Da. Da." I love seeing your Daddy pick you up and play with you, and tell you how much he loves you, his little "Wubs".
You are going to grow up to be one smart, fun, sweet little guy.
You are loved more unconditionally than you will ever know, maybe until you become a parent.
It brings tears to my eyes, to think that I've been loved like this my whole life, and never understood it until now, to think how much capacity for love I've been blessed with, to give to you, all for you.
You are my sweetheart boy.

~*I've been trying to do it right~*

I'm givin' you all my love

Before meeting me, my husband dated many girls.
Or rather, he went on lots of dates. With many girls.
Some of these girls straight up said "no" before he even got a chance to get the words out.
Some of them let him take them on a few dates before they told him, "you know, I was never really interested."
There were the honest few who went on one date and then said, "I just don't see it going anywhere, so I'm not going to waste your time."
Now let me tell you about my husband.
My husband is one of the sweetest, most compassionate people I've ever known.
While he may not understand women perfectly (by any stretch of the imagination), he does know how to treat a woman.
My husband opens doors for me.
He wakes up in the middle of the night to bring me water if I'm thirsty.
He rocks our sweet baby boy to sleep regularly.
He opens my door and kisses the tip of my nose before I get in the car.
He gets excited about my projects with me and, for the most part, listens to me ramble on and on about them.
He has set lofty goals for himself, and I've never met someone who worked harder to achieve them.
He is ambitious and driven and not, in the slightest bit, pretentious about his achievements.
He is intelligent but not haughty.
I could seriously go on and on but I think I'm just about past bragging point.
I would just like to say thank you to all those girls.
Your inability to look past a bit of awkwardness on the part of a young man has brought me years of future happiness.
It has given me my sweet baby boy.
It has given me the best husband I could ever have asked for,
someone I couldn't possibly have dreamed up,
and who I certainly don't deserve.
Some of you may be married and have children of your own already.
Yet others of you will spend the next several years complaining about how no one decent or normal ever asks you out.
Whoever and wherever you are, thank you (from me) for turning away from my now husband.
While it may have led to a few years of heartache for him, it has led us both - together - to an eternity of happiness.
I wish you all the best in life.

~*I won't give up~*