I guess this is growing up

I would like to say something profound about growing up. And that something is, it's fake. It's a farce. It's a fallacy. And probably some other F words too. It's something we made up in our minds to make ourselves feel better about hitting some arbitrary goal that maybe isn't actually important. Sure, as we get older, we do grownup things: Leave home Get married Get a good job buy a house buy a car buy real furniture get a dog have a kid or four Peel our own oranges. And we think, "well now I'm going to feel like a real adult." But guess what? There is no timeline on when we have to grow up, except the ones we put on ourselves. The most important thing you and I can learn as a grown up is this: You are going to make mistakes, sometimes big ones. You are going to say something stupid. You'll probably miss the golden window of time-value of money that starts when you're like, 9. You may alienate a friend. You won't ever feel like you know exactly what the right next step is. And you'll probably experience grief. BUT You are so loved. You can always apologize. The starting line is wherever you are at. You are amazing by being exactly who you are. And so many other cliches. Be kind to yourself. Try to enjoy the moment, don't let anxiety overcome. I believe in you. ~I won't try to argue, or hold it against you~

Well, here's a place I haven't visited in a thousand years. I've had three kids since the last time I blogged. But I'm here for a school assignment, and that's what really matters.

This week, I had a conversation with a friend who is no longer in the church. He is disenchanted with many things about the church, and we talked a little about church culture vs. the gospel. It was a good opportunity for me to bear my testimony of the Book of Mormon. There are definitely things I’m not sure about sometimes, but I do know that the Book of Mormon is true, and I know I feel closer to Jesus when I read it. I think bearing your testimony is not something you do to change other people's minds, but more to strengthen your own testimony and also, to avoid the regret that can sometimes come because we don't speak our truth when we feel it is necessary. 

I really enjoy reading about the Sons of Mosiah. Their missionary work has been such an important story for me – even though no one wanted them, and the scriptures don’t talk much about how they were feeling, except to say, at one point, that their hearts were depressed and they wanted to turn back, they still pressed forward and bore their testimonies. Missionary stories are some of the best to read, because I feel that they inspire a missionary spirit. Ammon is my favorite missionary: He served the people of Ishmael because he loved them. How did he love them? They never loved him, in fact, they tried to kill him, at first. But somehow, God helped Ammon to love the people of Ishmael and to serve them with no thought of anything at all in return. 

In the Christmas season, I often wonder what I can do to serve others. How can I learn to be like Ammon, and like Alma and Amulek, and like all of the other great missionaries? They seemed to know how to serve others without very much knowledge of the people they were serving. They were able to pray to know what to do, and then they were able to serve people, and because of their service, many were brought closer to Christ. 

Bearing my testimony is a good way for me to know how to serve others. Anything I can do to feel the Holy Ghost, will help me be close to the Spirit so I can know what to do to serve others like the people in the scriptures. I am glad that I have a knowledge of my Savior, and that I know that He loves me. 

I wanna be with you night and day

So, I left my camera at home.
Big, big fail on my part because Jax broke my awesome smart phone.  Unfortunately, the camera on my new phone is not as good as my nice galaxy s4, so taking pictures has become a little more difficult, especially if I forget my camera.
AND I SO WISH I HAD IT THIS WEEK!!
We are in California, with my parents while my husband finishes up his first year of law school.
They have a big, beautiful backyard, with a medium sized dog named Cari who is sweet and laid back and perfect for a certain little boy who loves adventure and the outdoors.
We also recently took on 2 other dogs, Lucy and Sawyer, for a friend who is on vacation to Utah (yup, we switched). Today's our first day watching them, but it has been such a blast to watch them all play with each other. Jax pretty much already spent most of the day outside, but now he's been spending even more time out there since he is enjoying 3 dogs!
yup, that's a lot of puppies, but they are doing so well.
Except for a little scare we had this morning! They got out. I freaked out a little, but the minute I ran out the front door and started calling their names, my next door neighbor had them and was watching them... Apparently they can fit through little nooks and crannies that Cari can't. Thankfully they get into their mischief together, because if I'd found one and not the other, I would have been even more panicked.
I can't imagine what all those puppies think about Jax. If I were a puppy, I might be a little jealous that the "human puppy" gets treats when they don't, gets to go with me everywhere, and gets to come inside when they don't. (Well, now Lucy and Sawyer can come inside, but they're in their cages when I can't watch them, and the human puppy doesn't even have a cage.)
All 3 dogs pretty much follow Jax around wherever he goes. I gave Jax a little treat after he woke up from his nap, and then (silly me)  took him and the puppies outside to play in the yard. Lucy followed Jax around and everytime Jax stopped moving, she stopped, as if she was going to get a treat. It was so funny, I had to keep telling her "No, leave Jax alone." They listen really, really well for 6 month old puppies.
Jax laughs every time they chase him around, and it's adorable.
We're having fun here. I love visiting my family.
I miss my handsome husband.
He's the best, he's a hard worker, blah blah blah mushy mushy love <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">

~ I love your way ~

You are my sunshine

It's been too long since I've blogged.
Too, too long.
It just seems like time flies by and if I forget to record things,
ZOOM, they're gone. Just like that.
In the past months, my baby has gotten into just about everything.
He's eaten deodorant, fallen off tables, climbed into his crib...
but not yet out. Thank goodness, not yet out.
In addition to my sweet boy, we found out that we will soon have a new addition to our family.
A baby girl.
Thank goodness my husband's default face makes you hope he won't punch you.
We're going to need that.
I want to reminisce about all the lovely moments I'm having with my boy, all the wonderful things he is doing, all the times he drives me nuts and melts my heart, but that is not where my writing is taking me today.
Today, my writing is taking me here. To you.
I came across the picture while looking at baby girl stuff today.

I just want to let you know, that I think of you every time I come across this sweet little poem.
This poem  that, in your home,  surrounds whoever walks into what is one of the most chaotic rooms that a home with five children has: the laundry room.
I think of how you lived this philosophy. You must have.
I mean, I know I never met you or anything. I wish I had, you seem like a wonderful woman. But I can tell you lived this tale of love, that you wove that love into the lives of your kids. You have two of the sweetest little girls I've ever met. And your boys.
Well, your boys are something else.
They are wild. They are crazy. They made me laugh and I had so much fun with them, even when there were days that I wanted to pull my hair out.
They were very, very loved. It was obvious then, and it is obvious now.
I know I only helped them out for a very short time, but in that short time, I learned many things I could not have learned without your influence.

Your kids talked about you pretty frequently. About things you did, stories they remembered of you, and sometimes, how much they missed you.
I know that you didn't really know me, and that we didn't really know each other, and that maybe it seems silly for someone who was not physically around to have such an impact on me.

But I feel I know you, just a little bit.
and I just want to tell you, thank you for helping me to see that the most important thing we do for our children, is love them and spend time with them. That is an invaluable lesson that I've learned from being with your kids, who were so deeply influenced by you. I hope I can love as purely as you did.

~*you'll never know, dear~*

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You're my sweetheart

I always hear people tell me, "Enjoy these years while you have them, they go by fast" and similar things, about your tiny years.
It happened when you couldn't do a single thing for yourself.
It happened when you started smiling.
It happened when you first rolled over.
It's happened for everything you've done so far.
Now, my happy little monster, you're crawling around, getting close to walking, getting into everything, and you're just so busy being a beautiful beacon of smiling light in a world that can sometimes be a bit of a dismal place.
There are so many things about you that I do appreciate, and I just want to take some time to get it all out in the open before these times are long gone and I'm missing your sweet little face.
I absolutely adore the way that, when I'm in the bathroom, you crawl to the door, push it open and tentatively peek around the door to make sure I'm there. Then, once you verify that I am, indeed, there, you proceed to run your hands up and down the vent on the wall there, by the door, because you like the thrum-thrumming noise it makes.
I smile every time I hear your little hands and knees making their way across the floor, because even though it means my time for doing whatever it is I'm doing at the time has run out, it also means that pretty soon, that bright little smile is going to appear, you're going to pull yourself up on my leg, and stand there waving your little arms around until I pick you up.
Speaking of waving your arms, I love that. I love how you wave your arms when you're happy, when you want to be picked up, and sometimes, in these few weeks before you start to walk, when you take those first few nervous steps, you get so excited that you wave your arms until you fall down.
I think it's adorable (but I try not to laugh) that when I speak sternly to you, when I tell you, "no", that you look at me for a few seconds, and then smile, almost as if you know that by smiling, you can get me to smile.
And it almost works. Every time.
(my heart smiles every single time.)
I love your adventurous spirit. Let me tell you, you sure surprised me the other day when you grabbed the window sill and tried to climb the wall. You are just a fearless little boy.
I love that, no matter how cranky you are, when I put you in the water, you cheer right up, and crawl off into the water as if you don't need me, as if you've now forgotten completely who I am.
My heart just melts every time I come home from work and you reach your little arms out for me.
And I love it when you do it for your daddy too. I love how much you love your Daddy. I love how you know the sound of the door unlocking when daddy comes home, and you crawl towards the door saying, "Da. Da. Da." I love seeing your Daddy pick you up and play with you, and tell you how much he loves you, his little "Wubs".
You are going to grow up to be one smart, fun, sweet little guy.
You are loved more unconditionally than you will ever know, maybe until you become a parent.
It brings tears to my eyes, to think that I've been loved like this my whole life, and never understood it until now, to think how much capacity for love I've been blessed with, to give to you, all for you.
You are my sweetheart boy.

~*I've been trying to do it right~*

I'm givin' you all my love

Before meeting me, my husband dated many girls.
Or rather, he went on lots of dates. With many girls.
Some of these girls straight up said "no" before he even got a chance to get the words out.
Some of them let him take them on a few dates before they told him, "you know, I was never really interested."
There were the honest few who went on one date and then said, "I just don't see it going anywhere, so I'm not going to waste your time."
Now let me tell you about my husband.
My husband is one of the sweetest, most compassionate people I've ever known.
While he may not understand women perfectly (by any stretch of the imagination), he does know how to treat a woman.
My husband opens doors for me.
He wakes up in the middle of the night to bring me water if I'm thirsty.
He rocks our sweet baby boy to sleep regularly.
He opens my door and kisses the tip of my nose before I get in the car.
He gets excited about my projects with me and, for the most part, listens to me ramble on and on about them.
He has set lofty goals for himself, and I've never met someone who worked harder to achieve them.
He is ambitious and driven and not, in the slightest bit, pretentious about his achievements.
He is intelligent but not haughty.
I could seriously go on and on but I think I'm just about past bragging point.
I would just like to say thank you to all those girls.
Your inability to look past a bit of awkwardness on the part of a young man has brought me years of future happiness.
It has given me my sweet baby boy.
It has given me the best husband I could ever have asked for,
someone I couldn't possibly have dreamed up,
and who I certainly don't deserve.
Some of you may be married and have children of your own already.
Yet others of you will spend the next several years complaining about how no one decent or normal ever asks you out.
Whoever and wherever you are, thank you (from me) for turning away from my now husband.
While it may have led to a few years of heartache for him, it has led us both - together - to an eternity of happiness.
I wish you all the best in life.

~*I won't give up~*

Every little thing - is gonna be all right

You know what's incredible?

Being a mom. 

Okay I mean, don't get me wrong. Definitely don't be a mom before you have a dad to help you take care of the screaming, wiggling, projectile vomiting little thing that is a child. 

But it's just the coolest feeling when that baby just wants you, when he reaches up his arms for you to pick him up, and stops crying when you hold him. 

The coolest feeling when you are overcome with love for someone who has only been in your life 6 months, or 2 months, or one week. 

All the cliches are true, you know. 

It is a different love than anything you've ever felt before. 

And you will most definitely be driven to the brink of madness, only to be coaxed back by a timid little smile from a tiny face that knows its driving you there. 

That's not to say that there aren't amazing adventures to be had at all stages of life. I absolutely loved being single, had so much fun, made wonderful friends and did some great things. There was nothing quite like it. 

But there really, also, is nothing quite like being a mother. 

With that being said, I have found that I need to find things to do on this path I have chosen.
Mad Respect to the moms who can handle being at home with a small child all day, cooing and oohing and aahing and just loving them.
I do love, love, love my little sweetheart, but he is too young to play soccer or do any sports that would make me run around like a crazy soccer mommy, too young, really, to even want to play with other children yet.
I really have to work to keep myself busy.
I've started working, and I am loving my job. It's not too many hours, not yet anyway.
At first it broke my heart to have to close the door on that crying little face. But it's actually turned out to be a huge, huge blessing, because he's gotten used to being around his daddy, and his daddy plays with him every night until he falls asleep. Of course, then daddy just holds him and doesn't put him down because he wants me to see him when I get home ... we're still working out the kinks. And I absolutely love it.
Life is not perfect. Oh, there are most definitely bumps in the road.
But I'm choosing to dwell on the things that delight me.

~*This is my message to you~*

It's better to feel pain than nothing at all

Something I've always hated about myself is that, when someone I know and love dies, I seem to always forget some of the best things about them.
These things come to me as time goes on, but at the time, I have a really hard time pulling up these memories to write down for their posterity or for their family at that time to remember them by.

As a little kid, I remember always wanting to be with Grandma. We would go visit my dad's parents,  and I always wanted to be with Grandma Joan. Grandpa Phil would walk us down the hall to her room so we could wait outside for her, until she was ready to come out and play with us. It didn't occur to me until later that maybe my Grandpa could have said, "Well, why can't I play with you? Don't you want to play with me?" He never did that, though. He never seemed to mind how much we loved to play with my Grandma, I think he just loved that we loved our Grandma so much.

 I have two parents who will drop anything for their family and their friends (who they consider to be family) to help them out with whatever it is that they need. They go above and beyond to do whatever they can do to help others. I did not realize that not everybody is like that until I was older, and that is such a good quality. My dad, I am certain, learned that from my Grandpa Phil. Grandpa was always doing something to be better. When my dad and his brothers were young, Grandpa Phil let the missionaries stay with them, back in the days when missionaries went without purse or scrip, whenever they needed a place to stay. One of the missionaries that remembers this wrote a book about his memories of the mission, and he seems to remember the Hoskins' in Newhall pretty well. Thanks to this missionary writing down those memories, Grandpa's kids and grandkids and great grandkids will always be able to know and remember just what a good and kind man Grandpa was.

Grandpa Phil wasn't always active in the Church. I feel like I can appreciate his membership in the church better because of all the years he spent inactive. He always exemplified what a follower of Christ should be like, even back in the days when he wasn't active in the church, even at times when I'm sure he met members of the Church who were making less than ideal decisions. This is the best legacy you can leave for your progeny, I think, to truly live the Shakespearean aphorism that says, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." Grandpa really lived up to this. He isn't one of those people who you just say good things about after he dies, because I've always loved my Grandpa my whole life and could not really think of one bad thing to say about him. Not to say that he's perfect, and maybe those closer to him could think of a few of his mistakes, but boy do I love him, and I'm so grateful to be one of his grandkids.

I just can't imagine this world without Grandpa. He used to take us fishing and tell us all about rocks and dinosaur bones and show us all of the things he used to find. Once, while fishing with him, I pointed out something to him that in my mind was kind of silly. He told me that I'd just made an analogy, which is comparing something to something else, and from then on my silly little analogies didn't seem so silly anymore. Grandpa loved me, he loved all of his grandkids. I called Grandma Joan to leave her a message the other day, to tell her I love her, and picturing that house and that beautiful view of the lake without Grandpa there.... it just doesn't quite seem to match up, I haven't really comprehended it just yet.

I know Grandpa Phil is happy. His body was starting to fail, as all of ours will eventually. A couple of weeks after my Jax was born, Grandpa fell and broke his hip. He's an independent kind of fellow, and I don't think he particularly liked the surgery he had to have, the drugs he had to take, or all the help he needed after that. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for my Grandpa, and that he is waiting anxiously for my Grandma, for when she can do his work with him. His mind is clear and I do think that his spirit is probably rejoicing in being free of his ailments.  I know he will miss us, he loves us so much, but time will go fast for him with all the work he has, and soon we will all be reunited.

I am so full of happiness for the life of my Grandpa, and sad that the rest of my life will be spent only with my memories of him. I hope that I do not forget these things, hope that I have the presence of mind to write them down as I remember them so my kids can know what a beautiful life their great-Grandpa led. I hope that they can model their lives after his, and that we can all become better because of those who are before are us.

I cannot express how deeply grateful I am for God's plan. This Easter, Christ's resurrection has special meaning for my family, as it is evidence that we will see my Grandfather again, and that time is not too far off. This Easter is evidence of Christ's love for each of us, for my grandparents, for my parents, for me and my husband, and for my little son, that each of us can be together sealed as a family, and with our bodies whole and perfect, because of His love for us, and His unfathomable sacrifice.

For you, Grandpa Phil. Since we can't all be together, this is my virtual toast to the wonderful life you led. I love you and while I can wait to see you again, I will always look forward to it my whole life.





~~Keep your head up~~

You may not know it now...

Jax is 5 months old!
Crazy how fast five months can go by, and yet how it seems like I've known this tiny little human forever. Seriously, I can't even imagine what life would be like without him. There's a reason for that cliché. Because it rings true to every good parent.
I had a birthday yesterday, so that was fun. Justin got me a hand mixer! which we really needed and will be very helpful. Pauly made me a cake =)
I had a job interview at the hospital which I thought went pretty well.
Well, it went well besides the fact that I was ten minutes late (biggest interview no-no ever).
Did you know that babies can choose when to explode their pants and get it all over their clothes?
Yeah, at the most inconvenient times ever. Like right before a job interview for a job you really, really want.
I guess that's the life you sign up for when you become a mom. And you just do your best to grit your teeth and say, "I'm gonna miss this."
Also, my computer broke. Which is why I haven't blogged as much as I've wanted to lately. The G, H, backspace, 8, and apostrophe are broken. It's really annoying, but thanks to my brother who let me use his computer so I could get my blog fix =)
It's really fun having my brother here with us. Justin loves having him. He is fun and he makes the day not so monotonous. For now. He's gonna be working soon so I'll be back to doing the things mommies do all day. Which is sitting with baby. And playing with cranky baby. And putting said baby to sleep. trying to clean up, get things done, and cooking (which is probably my favorite part of the job, I love cooking).
It's been a busy few days. But I think we're getting back to normal now, so we'll have to start finding things to do.
Whitney came to visit this morning =) So much fun! I just love her, it was really nice to see her.

I've started reading Pride and Prejudice. The Sarah M. Eden regency romance novels have prepared me better for it this time. It's so much easier to get through now, whereas before they were kind of like slogging through mud. I highly recommend Sarah Eden if you haven't read her books before. Her website is here and she's awesome. If you like romance novels. Which I do. (and no, 50 shades of Grey is not romance. It's erotica =p)
We're on the downward slope to spring! Ah, so excited for that first warm, perfect day when the blossoms start to show up on the trees and the sun first warms your skin. That is the day that makes the whole long winter worth it.
Better go take care of that screaming child. I just love him.





~*You're gonna miss this~*

You make me happy

I think every girl needs a daddy.

I mean, okay, boys need dads too. Dads help them learn to grow up, to not only be a man, but be a gentleman, and learn all the stuff that men need to know. 

But... well this is what brought this on. I was thinking about my first birthday home from my mission the other day. My dad took me to Wal Mart so that he could buy me a Bruno Mars CD, because that is what I wanted (a year and a half without real music will do that to you). It wasn't there, so he took me to 2 other Wal Marts in different parts of town to find it.

FYI: Wal Mart is the only store that I know of that edits the crap out of their music. Meaning, you don't have to hear unnecessary swearing or vulgarity if you buy  your music there. 

 This is the kind of thing that Daddies will do for their girls. I'm not even a little girl anymore and I still feel like my Dad would do anything for me, and I think all girls need to feel like this. Like they're loved, like they're special, like they deserve someone who would do anything for them. I believe that many of the self esteem issues in the world could be solved by a good dad. And of course, my Daddy would not be nearly as good without my mom. I definitely think there's some truth to the old adage, "Behind every good man is a good woman," whether it be his wife, his mother, both or another good woman, there is some definite wisdom there. Chivalry is not dead. And no one is as chivalrous good dads are to their little girls. 

In other news, we tried cloth diapers this week. For half a day. Definitely a disaster, and only due partially to the diapers. As informed as I try to be about things I do for my son, and as much as I've read about different kind of cloth diapers, I somehow missed a major discussion somewhere that said you need to put a plastic diaper cover over the cloth. Because every person I've talked to about my experience either laughed or shook their heads and said, "you're gonna need to use a plastic cover." Needless to say, huge messes ensued, taking out my pants, Justin's pants, the floor, two of Jackson's outfits, and our couch - twice - in about a 4 hour period. If I can talk my husband into a next time, we are going to try some better quality cloth combined with diaper covers from now on. Only, if the purpose of doing it is because the diaper is more breathable, I don't see how putting plastic over it would be any better than disposable... I guess I'm just a little out of the loop on this one. 

But he's starting to be able to stand on his own, and that's adorable: 

~*We could lay here for hours and just reminisce~*

It beats for you, so listen close

Drops of Awesome

A friend posted this on her blog and I wanted to share it, I seem to be finding myself amidst alot of peptalks today. Miss Jessica (who I don't know) reminded me this morning of the power of positive thinking.


So like I said, lots of peptalks coming my way today. Which brings me to my next point.

Last week I got a text from a number that I did not recognize, informing me of a quilting project that was going on at a ward member's house that morning. Of course, me being the ever-too-cool person that I am, I thought,
Quilting? really? are we 70? Retired?
and then I thought, oh man. a chance to be with people my own age. Who are women.
and right then, just right then, the desire for human contact over the age of ... well, 4 months, and better even, FEMALE human contact, overrode my need to be cool. Thank goodness! Because I got to spend some time with a bunch of the really cool ladies in my ward, who I found out, contrary to my judgmental mindset, were NOT 70, NOT retired, and were actually kind of awesome. Also, I made this:

How cool is that? afterward I spent about 2 days trying to convince my husband to buy me a sewing machine. And he spent 2 days patiently explaining that right now, law school is more important than a sewing machine. Although I think I could still talk him into it if I find one that's inexpensive enough. Those things can be pretty handy to have around, if you know how to use them. Which I don't.
But I can learn! and now I want to =)
Jax sat up last night! We took video of it. Actually, I take excessive amounts of videos, it's a little ridiculous... but not alot ridiculous. I really want to remember everything about him, because he's growing so fast. In fact, He's sitting on my lap as I type this, chewing on my sweater strings. He could not do that a month ago. He also could not scream at my face a month ago, an action that I occasionally find obnoxious but usually just find hilarious. I hope that I can appreciate all of my kids as much as I love this little one. I know he's my only one, but I don't want to have an inordinate amount of pictures of Jax and a miniscule amount for my other 5.
I always say 6 kids, watch me have 2. But I think there are 5 more out there for me =)
My son is being a monkey right now. He just launched himself from a sitting position on one end of the couch at me sitting in the middle of the couch, to a standing position. He can stand if he's holding on to something. Usually my hair.
Love these days.

~*turn me up when you feel low~*

Sure feels good

It's funny how many little things I notice with Jax now. It's almost like when you start falling in love, how you notice dumb little details about a person.
Like how they wipe their nose all the time, or flex their jaw whenever they're thinking hard.
With Jax I notice little things, like how his lips pucker up like a little duck when he first stretches in the morning.
Or how he gets this coy smile when you smile at him, and then turns his head away like he's shy.
Also, I love the way that he pouts - he sticks out his bottom lip when he's about to cry and gets the saddest little face that would just break your heart.

It really is like falling in love with this tiny person who you get to know before anyone else gets to know him.
Some days he just sits there and screams, not crying, just yelling. Personally, I think he's singing. But I guess we'll see what he's actually doing as he grows older and learns to talk =)
We had a really good weekend visiting with my parents. We really only got one full day with them, but it was so nice and so worth it.
We got to take a few pictures with them, so hopefully we can post one of those up, they turned out really nice.
We stayed with really close family friends who live kind of in the middle. All 9 of us. (There are 9 of us now, can you believe that?)It was really cool of them to be able to take all 9 of us in, like having family you can always count on.
I mean, seriously, even family sometimes might balk at 7 adults, a teenager and a baby. But not these guys. It was a big party.

In other news, I can't wait for spring. Don't you just love that first day of warmth after a long long winter?
I just love feeling the warmth on my skin that first day, the feeling that everything starts anew and especially the anticipation of summer, and swimming, and days in the park, and camping.
AND it's my baby's first time getting to experience all that, so that adds another exciting aspect to it =) Just can't wait. Life is fantastic.

~*so things can change~*

Lightning strikes the heart...

I really love going back and reading the things that I've written. 

            

Justin trying to keep Jax from eating him.

I don't write enough for it to be a real accounting of things that have happened, but I should. Maybe that's one of those things I should add to a long list of goals I need to accomplish. Keep a consistent journal. Or blog at least twice, weekly. 
Jax is doing so many new things every day! Right now his daddy is holding him, and Justin is in constant awe of Jax's ability to gnaw on his fingers. The minute you pick him up, he wants to stand on you. And the minute he stands on you, he wants to gnaw on your hands. Crazy baby. This week has been a week of milestones for him. He's learned to roll over and giggle! which, can I just say, is super adorable. here is a video of his cute giggling. He's so much fun to play with.  Ah, I just love being a mommy. It is so fun. It's so funny because I can't stop taking videos, and pictures, and just trying to record all of the things he does, so we can look back on it later and enjoy it, to just remember. He's growing so fast and I just never want him to grow up. I know he has to. It's so sad for me to think about, even now with him so little, him going to his first day of kindergarten, or going to middle school (okay that's the scariest one for me), or graduating from high school, driving, buying a car, going to college.... I just want everything that was ever good for him. I'm not always going to be able to baby him, though. I'm going to have to let go someday. So I'm just holding on as tight as I possibly can right now, trying to enjoy everything (yes, the crying included... not really succeeding on that front, though). 
I feel like even though those milestones are scary to think about, I have so much time. and when all of my six beautiful babies are out of the house, I have a really fun husband who will surely entertain me. He does now. Yesterday he cracked me up, because he was telling me that he texted his parents to tell them that Jax rolled over. His dad texted back "cool." and his mom texted back "Now you need to be very careful about putting him on elevated surfaces." and Justin tells me, "I guess we better not tell her that that's how we found out." (I was seriously like, two feet away trying to find a pen.) I am a very blessed wife and mother. Even though our baby is going to have to live through some of our trial and error. And we are probably going to have to live through some of each others' interesting quirks. It is a good life. 

~*brighter than the sun~*

Goodnight, my angel.

I came to a stunning realization in a mall in Colorado last week.
Colorado being the home of some of the more deadly shootings that have happened in the recent past, you can understand how this particular incident would set my nerves on edge. 
As we were walking on the second story of the Centennial mall near Denver, we all suddenly heard the voice of a panicked man echoing off of the walls.
"AUDREY! AUDREY! AUDREY ELIZABETH!"
Probably because of the high ceilings and what the walls are made out of, the voice seemed to bounce around for miles. My heart immediately started racing and I looked for the nearest safe haven. In the past my  mind might immediately have gone to how I could be a hero, but having a child really changes all of that. I rehearsed how I would protect my baby should I find myself in the middle of gunfire or anything similar.
Probably, it was just a man who had lost his daughter and could only think of one good way to find her: yell for her. I'm sure he didn't think of the panic he could possibly incite, and thankfully his yelling quieted soon after it started.
I feel sad that we have to live in a world where that is the first place our mind goes. Not helping this panicked man, not even wondering what he was yelling about or trying to help him. Simply finding a place to hide, finding safety, our most basic need. 
I often reflect on how the death of a loved one would change me. Sometimes I work myself up so much over all the things that could happen to my sweet baby boy. 
It's those times that I'm so grateful for God's plan for us. 
So grateful knowing that no matter what happens, God, in His infinite wisdom, has provided a way for us to be together. I do believe that God is a merciful, loving God, and that He will provide a way for all of us to have those we love when this life is over. 
I just ache for those families in Connecticut that had to go through incomprehensible horror. Not only those parents who were dealt the crushing blow of learning their sweet little ones were victims of unconscionable hate, but also those parents who waited in the wings to find out if their babies had made it out okay, only to have to explain something no parent should ever have to explain, and something no child should ever have to comprehend. 
But I do think, that amidst the horror of things like this, there comes an undefinable beauty to life, if we choose to find it, to look for it, and to embrace it. 
and that, in itself, is undeniable evidence of our Father in Heaven's love for us. 
so cool. 

~I will never be far away~

Let them be little...

I just can't believe how tiny you are.
How such a little body can produce such loud noises.
The ability those loud noises have to set my nerves right on edge.
Oh, I can't believe those little smiles, how they can wrench my heart.
And how your crying almost breaks it.
I hate to see tears rolling down your cheeks, hate to see you cry, so much that I almost inevitably follow suit.
I could watch you sleep for the rest of my life.
      Your lashes resting on your cheeks.
      Your little lips slightly parted, those lips that look just like your daddy's.
And that hair. all that crazy hair, that crazy hair that never does what it's told.
I never knew that there would be a time where my heart just wanted to burst, and light flood out of my skin with all that I feel, too much to be contained in one human body.
There is so much that I want you to know, that I hope I can teach you, but right now I just hope you never, ever grow up and have to experience the pain that life can so often be.
I just can't believe how tiny you are.
Oh, but you're so lovely.

*give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day*

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It snowed this morning! I woke up to this beautiful scene outside my front door. 

I know I live in Utah now, so snow shouldn't be this exciting, but just look at it! it's so beautiful. 

                                                                

 I mean, just to be perfectly fair, I think as a born and raised so-cal girl who can probably count on her fingers the number of times she saw snow in the winter, I'm entitled to be a little overly excited. 

 I think the coolest part is that it's still snowing. I'm sure that news will not be as exciting in a week though. 


 I tried to get the mountains in the picture below, but the cloud cover was pretty heavy so you can't really see it. 

I definitely like the snow =) It's baby J's first snow and someone gave me the cutest little snow outfit for him, he looks so cute all cuddled up in his fuzzy snow outfit =) Also, he sleeps alot in it because it's so warm. so that's a plus side =) 

*baby, it's cold outside*

***Your little hand is wrapped around my finger ***

There are so, so many opinions on how to be a mommy out there.
There are opinions on how to feed my baby...
How to diaper my baby.... 
How to clean, love, hold, and sleep my baby.
Trust me, if it's been thought of, it's out there. 
I wish that I could have automatically known what kind of a mom I was going to be before I had baby J. There were so many things that I said I wouldn't or would do, that I now do or don't do. 
For example, I said I would never sleep with my baby in my bed. That he would sleep next to me in a cradle for a couple of months, and then off to his very own room in a crib all his own. 
We set up a beautiful nursery, and baby got our only dresser. (daddy and I use cardboard boxes). 
Then comes the baby. 
Do you see where this is going?
I do a whole lot of research when I start to do something I never thought I'd be comfortable with. 
I found good advice for co-sleeping here and here. That last one has alot of links that you can also go to to learn more.
My doctor insisted that co-sleeping was a terrible idea, and when I told her that was controversial, she said, "Well, just look at the numbers and you'll see I'm right." So I did. (This link was the closest thing to official numbers that I found).  If you're going to give me your opinion, as a professional, then you better make sure your research has been done some time after 1965 when you went to medical school.

I'm starting to learn what kind of a parent I am.
Being a parent is not something you really know how to do until you're actually doing it.
It's the ultimate hands-on experience, not something anyone can tell you how to do,
not something you can learn from books.
You just have to dive in and do your best. 

My point is that we all learn to be parents, by doing it. Not by listening to our friends, or even our family, or even our doctors. That advice is so important to listen to, but in the end, you find your own style. 
Not just about being a parent. Also about being human. We all do it in our own ways, and there are very few ways that actually suck. (I say very few because there are definitely some). 
I like my way. I'm willing to make a few course corrections when I find something better, or when I get advice that I deem good. usually by some research of my own into the topic.
This is how I live, and I love it =)
**ooh, Darlin' don't you ever grow up**

Holy 8 months later. Can I just say that.
Can you believe all the things that can happen in 8 months?
8 months ago, I wasn't growing a human.
8 months ago, I was getting close to ... MARRIAGE... what the heck...
I don't think I knew, 8 months ago, that looking back would seem so far away.
But now, here I am, living the happiest
and the craziest, and the most ... roller-coaster-y part of my life
well, maybe not the MOST... I can think of one or two other times that were more emotionally distressing but... not many.
There are some moments over these last few months that I can just look back on and cry.
There are some of those moments that I just look back on and smile.
And at any point during the day, today, tomorrow... I can put my hand on my tummy
and feel my little family member inside there, just moving around
And just daydream about meeting him
and dread all the hard times that are ahead
and wonder about the good times that are ahead, all those "overwhelming joy" moments that I hear so much about but have yet to experience.
I think I'm in for the ride of my life.
With my best friend at my side.
What could be better.

Stay, Stay, Stay

This is my mommy journal. Because let's be honest. It's pretty hard to write in my journal with a baby sleeping on my body. So here it goes. 
Being a mommy. Everyone has told me from the beginning of forever that it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. I'm not quite sure what those rewards are just yet. Baby will be 8 weeks old tomorrow (Halloween, incidentally) and he still has yet to stand up and sing my praises. He did, however, grab a rattle last night, shake it around, and when he heard the noise he giggled a little and started shaking it again. When daddy saw this, he got tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face. A little embarrassed, he took baby's hand and shook it, showing him how to really shake that rattle. "Babe," I say, ever the faithless, "he won't be able to do that yet." at precisely that moment, baby starts shaking his hand around exactly as daddy showed him. I'll show you, mommy. 
I honestly thought that my personality would go away, that I would lose my sense of ... well, me. Once I lost myself in being wife and mommy to my two precious loves. But it's really stronger than ever. There are things that I do, I realize, that probably are unique from things other mommies do, and I'm starting to realize that that's what makes this world so colorful - we are all so unique. I thought marriage and mommyhood would make a boring person out of me, but I don't think that's possible. I always have fun, I want my family to have fun, to be happy, to learn to love. We all bring all of who we are to a family. We lay it out on the table and use it to make productive people out of our children, the most important little people in our lives. Lives that, up to that point, seemed important, and indeed, important things surely happened, but nothing will ever have quite the same import as cuddling baby when he is sick, and just loving him with more feeling than you thought your heart capable of having. I've loved every stage of my life, and I'm loving this one more than ever. 
~*I've been loving you for quite some time~*