Let them be little...

I just can't believe how tiny you are.
How such a little body can produce such loud noises.
The ability those loud noises have to set my nerves right on edge.
Oh, I can't believe those little smiles, how they can wrench my heart.
And how your crying almost breaks it.
I hate to see tears rolling down your cheeks, hate to see you cry, so much that I almost inevitably follow suit.
I could watch you sleep for the rest of my life.
      Your lashes resting on your cheeks.
      Your little lips slightly parted, those lips that look just like your daddy's.
And that hair. all that crazy hair, that crazy hair that never does what it's told.
I never knew that there would be a time where my heart just wanted to burst, and light flood out of my skin with all that I feel, too much to be contained in one human body.
There is so much that I want you to know, that I hope I can teach you, but right now I just hope you never, ever grow up and have to experience the pain that life can so often be.
I just can't believe how tiny you are.
Oh, but you're so lovely.

*give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day*

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It snowed this morning! I woke up to this beautiful scene outside my front door. 

I know I live in Utah now, so snow shouldn't be this exciting, but just look at it! it's so beautiful. 

                                                                

 I mean, just to be perfectly fair, I think as a born and raised so-cal girl who can probably count on her fingers the number of times she saw snow in the winter, I'm entitled to be a little overly excited. 

 I think the coolest part is that it's still snowing. I'm sure that news will not be as exciting in a week though. 


 I tried to get the mountains in the picture below, but the cloud cover was pretty heavy so you can't really see it. 

I definitely like the snow =) It's baby J's first snow and someone gave me the cutest little snow outfit for him, he looks so cute all cuddled up in his fuzzy snow outfit =) Also, he sleeps alot in it because it's so warm. so that's a plus side =) 

*baby, it's cold outside*

***Your little hand is wrapped around my finger ***

There are so, so many opinions on how to be a mommy out there.
There are opinions on how to feed my baby...
How to diaper my baby.... 
How to clean, love, hold, and sleep my baby.
Trust me, if it's been thought of, it's out there. 
I wish that I could have automatically known what kind of a mom I was going to be before I had baby J. There were so many things that I said I wouldn't or would do, that I now do or don't do. 
For example, I said I would never sleep with my baby in my bed. That he would sleep next to me in a cradle for a couple of months, and then off to his very own room in a crib all his own. 
We set up a beautiful nursery, and baby got our only dresser. (daddy and I use cardboard boxes). 
Then comes the baby. 
Do you see where this is going?
I do a whole lot of research when I start to do something I never thought I'd be comfortable with. 
I found good advice for co-sleeping here and here. That last one has alot of links that you can also go to to learn more.
My doctor insisted that co-sleeping was a terrible idea, and when I told her that was controversial, she said, "Well, just look at the numbers and you'll see I'm right." So I did. (This link was the closest thing to official numbers that I found).  If you're going to give me your opinion, as a professional, then you better make sure your research has been done some time after 1965 when you went to medical school.

I'm starting to learn what kind of a parent I am.
Being a parent is not something you really know how to do until you're actually doing it.
It's the ultimate hands-on experience, not something anyone can tell you how to do,
not something you can learn from books.
You just have to dive in and do your best. 

My point is that we all learn to be parents, by doing it. Not by listening to our friends, or even our family, or even our doctors. That advice is so important to listen to, but in the end, you find your own style. 
Not just about being a parent. Also about being human. We all do it in our own ways, and there are very few ways that actually suck. (I say very few because there are definitely some). 
I like my way. I'm willing to make a few course corrections when I find something better, or when I get advice that I deem good. usually by some research of my own into the topic.
This is how I live, and I love it =)
**ooh, Darlin' don't you ever grow up**

Holy 8 months later. Can I just say that.
Can you believe all the things that can happen in 8 months?
8 months ago, I wasn't growing a human.
8 months ago, I was getting close to ... MARRIAGE... what the heck...
I don't think I knew, 8 months ago, that looking back would seem so far away.
But now, here I am, living the happiest
and the craziest, and the most ... roller-coaster-y part of my life
well, maybe not the MOST... I can think of one or two other times that were more emotionally distressing but... not many.
There are some moments over these last few months that I can just look back on and cry.
There are some of those moments that I just look back on and smile.
And at any point during the day, today, tomorrow... I can put my hand on my tummy
and feel my little family member inside there, just moving around
And just daydream about meeting him
and dread all the hard times that are ahead
and wonder about the good times that are ahead, all those "overwhelming joy" moments that I hear so much about but have yet to experience.
I think I'm in for the ride of my life.
With my best friend at my side.
What could be better.

Stay, Stay, Stay

This is my mommy journal. Because let's be honest. It's pretty hard to write in my journal with a baby sleeping on my body. So here it goes. 
Being a mommy. Everyone has told me from the beginning of forever that it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. I'm not quite sure what those rewards are just yet. Baby will be 8 weeks old tomorrow (Halloween, incidentally) and he still has yet to stand up and sing my praises. He did, however, grab a rattle last night, shake it around, and when he heard the noise he giggled a little and started shaking it again. When daddy saw this, he got tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face. A little embarrassed, he took baby's hand and shook it, showing him how to really shake that rattle. "Babe," I say, ever the faithless, "he won't be able to do that yet." at precisely that moment, baby starts shaking his hand around exactly as daddy showed him. I'll show you, mommy. 
I honestly thought that my personality would go away, that I would lose my sense of ... well, me. Once I lost myself in being wife and mommy to my two precious loves. But it's really stronger than ever. There are things that I do, I realize, that probably are unique from things other mommies do, and I'm starting to realize that that's what makes this world so colorful - we are all so unique. I thought marriage and mommyhood would make a boring person out of me, but I don't think that's possible. I always have fun, I want my family to have fun, to be happy, to learn to love. We all bring all of who we are to a family. We lay it out on the table and use it to make productive people out of our children, the most important little people in our lives. Lives that, up to that point, seemed important, and indeed, important things surely happened, but nothing will ever have quite the same import as cuddling baby when he is sick, and just loving him with more feeling than you thought your heart capable of having. I've loved every stage of my life, and I'm loving this one more than ever. 
~*I've been loving you for quite some time~*