Anytime I need to see your face...

"There's no use crying over spilled milk."
I've been thinking about this phrase lately. I mean, seriously? why not? why can't I cry over spilled milk if I want to? Where did this come from, really, because in all honesty, who doesn't get upset when they spill their milk?
I've come up with two possible explanations:
1. What is actually meant is, don't get upset about things that have already happened. they've happened, they're gone, they're in the past, and you can't change them. The only thing you can do is move on, look forward, and try a little harder next time not to spill your milk. You can't let spilled milk destroy you.
2. What's actually being said is, don't sweat the small stuff. Yeah, spilled milk might be annoying, but it's not the end of the world. Nobody gets hurt, nobody dies, the biggest thing that might happen is you may need to change your clothes... or someone else's.... or re-write a ten-page paper... or make a dozen phone calls so you can get a new title for your car, because yours now has milk all over it. But really, in the big scheme of things, spilled milk is not going to be remembered in ten years. unless the spilled milk accidentally spills all over some electric wire and kills your most beloved animal. Otherwise, nobody will ever remember. So don't sweat the small stuff.
I think this phrase is significant to my life right now. So I've been pondering it.
I actually don't like milk. No use crying over it.
Unless you were already gonna cry anyway. and spilled milk is giving you an excuse.

~*ooh, I want you. I don't know if I need you.~*

you're my best friend...

You know.
I love you.
And I know what they say.
"it's all butterflies and roses at this stage.
someday your love is going to mean so much more.
'Falling in love' is only the beginning'"
and so much more... I hear all that.
But all I can think is
how you open my doors
worry about what I want before you worry about what you want
How you sound so concerned when you're afraid you've hurt my feelings
and how I just want to hang on
every.
word.
you.
say.
That will go away. I know it will. It won't always be like that.
I may not always think everything you do is funny.
Or cute.
But I can't wait for our lives together to start.
for all of our differences to first clash, and then intertwine.
and for us to have all those moments together.
The special moments.
the painful moments.
the "i wanna strangle you" moments.
the happy moments.
the sad moments.
the every single moment of the rest of my life.
Not just mine, but yours too. Ours. to share.

*and I love you*

you are the greatest thing about me...

you've gotta add some personality to your life.
some quirks.
a little... how do you say....je ne sais quois.
I want to be a pirate, I think, when I grow up.
which, of course, though I'm 24, hasn't happened yet, as you can plainly see.
I think that would add plenty of mystery to my life.
Did you know being in love is like...
is like...
well, it's like losing your train of thought all the time
but not ever caring because you're so enchanted by the beautiful flowers stuck underneath the train tracks that your thoughts just race away without you ever noticing they're gone.
breath of fresh air. smell of fresh roses. freshly cut grass.
love is everything good, in every single way.
the way to help you understand that, not only can someone love you
but also, our Heavenly Father loves you... loves me.
it's just a special thing, dont' you think?
~*i love you from your toes to your face~*

*by small and simple things*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEfg-Z-TOc8

I watched this video today, and it really touched me.
to just think of how many small and simple things.... I appreciate in my life.
Alma 37:6-7 talks about small and simple things -
Alma tells his son, Helaman, about the scriptural records, about why we have them, and a little bit about the rich history of the ancestors who these scriptures are about.
And then, the age old line: "now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me, but..."
let me rephrase:
"I know you think I'm old and I don't know anything, but...."
"you know, I know you don't put much stock in the things I'm saying, but.."

Children thinking their parents are foolish is as old as ... well... dirt.
(but is he really being foolish? no way!! without people like him, we would be missing out on precious books of scripture!)
but then, he explains this simple truth:
"But behold I say unto you, by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
sometimes, nothing I ever possibly do ever seems to be enough.
I want to do so much for the world, so much for my life, and it just feels like I'm taking these tiny baby steps that are getting me nowhere, and then, just like a baby, falling on my bum alot more often than I'd like.
Today,I thought about all the "flecks of gold" in my life.
My sister is definitely one. she has a fantastic, strong spirit.
my mom and daddy are two....
ah. I love my little family.
I have sweet friends who I can talk to, who I can tell anything to.
I'm in love.
I have the kids I used to babysit... today I went over there, and when Chloe woke up from her nap, she came right over to me and held her arms up so I could hold her.
That felt special. It made me smile. It made my heart joyful.
I should've been studying today but... I went and hung out with Jess.
and her baby daughter Josie... Josie is a happy baby. that made me smile. she sings loud in public.... I love happy children. no matter how loud they are =)
I have alot to be grateful for.
And you know, all I can do is my best.
baby steps, small and simple things, flecks of gold, whatever you wanna call it...
life is just.
so.
wonderful.
"small means doth confound the wise"

All I can say....

I had alot to say, just now but.... I lost it.
My heart was all full but I went to go say my prayers and.... it overflowed.
So I think I got it all off my chest.
I miss my friends. I have best friends and .... they've all moved on.
and here I am, nowhere.
I have miracles today. I'm trying to think of some.
sometimes, it's a little miracle that I can still genuinely smile when it's like, 10:15, I'm still at work, and I have to be nice to people.
I miss you. I miss watching stars. I miss random accents. I miss all night parties. I miss waking up late, and going to bed early.... and by early, I mean, the early hours of the morning. I miss superawkwardrandominsidejokes, I miss your freaking loud laugh that you somehow picked up from me after wayyyy too much time with me, I miss talking all night on the phone, I miss your hugs, I miss your smile, I miss the way... ah. I'm going to stop there.
I'm learning from myself all the time ... trying to learn to take my own advice.
whenever I go through hard things I think to myself, "Self. if you can just take this hard time, and turn it into something good, it will go away. If life weren't hard, you would never grow." it's easy to say but a whole lot harder to actually do. ah.
Today at work, I watched this kid, probably about 14 or 15 months old, just run away from his parents. and I watched two men - dad and grandpa, i think - run after him - and they were running, cuz this kid could move. As annoying as that might be for the parents..... I couldn't help but laugh. And think to myself... "I want a baby." haha... and then I snapped out of it. babies are hard work, and I need a man to help me raise it, so ... I think I can wait. but they're cute =)
I will wake up tomorrow.
It will be a new day.
I'll have a new set of things to do.
Things will be okay.
if I can just take it slowly.
day by day, hour by hour.
just think happy thoughts.

*I'll always be there when you wake*

Two and a half hours.

That's how long it took me to get these kids to bed tonight.
we started at about 7 and it is now almost 10 and they have just barely fallen asleep.
I'm... wow.
I mean, who'd have ever thought it'd be this much work?
you put them down, they get up. you firmly state that if they don't stay in bed you are going to scream, and there's this evil insane little laugh that follows a statement like that.
Savannah pushes Chloe down. Zach is running around naked. Griffin is calling Dylan names. Griffin and Dylan commence pillow fighting. Dylan gets hurt and starts to sob because Griffin landed on his "stubbed thumb". Chloe decides to start screaming. when I ask her why, she starts to laugh. Zach is still unclothed. he throws the trash bag at me and it splits open. Griffin puts chewed up fruit snacks in Dylan's hair. the list goes on.... you get the picture.
4 of them did sit out in the hall and read scriptures with me today though. I loved it, we read Alma 26. I think they didn't really understand it too much, but it was nice to read with them. it felt nice. then we came back in, and the chaos continues.
I'm just a baby sitter. but I do enjoy this.
However, I think i will now think twice before having 12 kids.... at least twice.
ooh, yesterday i went to the beach. i love the ocean. it's so tranquil, i could just sit there and stare and get lost in the beauty of it all. I feel so relaxed at the beach. Tomorrow is party time! it seems that summer is a never ending party.... seems a little shallow but i'm very excited.
welll... good night =)

ah. Serenity.

I'm sitting at work.
just sitting.
I didn't get here til later, so by the time I got here, the kids had just been put to bed.
Do you know how hard it is to get 5 kids in bed?
...not easy. try it sometime.
right now, they've been "put to bed" for about ... an hour and a half.
I can still hear them up there, laughing, talking, hitting things, occasionally arguing....
you know, if I were a good baby-sitter, I'd go up and say
"hey you kids! quiet down and go to sleep 'fore I throw ya all in the brig!!"
but secretly... I kind of enjoy listening to them.
There are times, I guess, when very little things that occur take on a very large meaning. I think I am at that point in my life.
I believe there's a scripture in the Book of Mormon about that -- "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
This is one of my "small and simple" moments.
where I just sit back
and bask in
and enjoy
all that life has to offer.

~*you can't take the sky from me~*

Nocturne...

I took a communications class once and learned about internal noise.
I have alot of that going on lately.
I was walking to class today, and just thinking and thinking.
About what I want to do, who I want to end up being.
a couple of weeks ago, someone told me that I needed to ask myself where I wanted to be in 5 years, and then just go for it.
I thought to myself, I do not want to be working shifts in a hospital in 5 years. Not that it's a bad thing, that just isn't where I see myself.
I love adventure. I want to have it. lots and lots of it! but... I can't really major in adventure.
I want to serve others, that is what I want. I want to put myself in a position where I can help others, where I can give them something that they don't have, and in turn, I get to meet people and make new friends and forge these rich new relationships.
I love where I'm working right now. It is, I think, one of the things that has inspired me to want to serve others. I feel, sometimes, like I am helping the kids I work with, like maybe I am doing something important.
I can't wait to stop feeling like... like a "wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed." That is how it is, this other life. It's just ... a bit unstable. I'm so grateful for the Rock that I'm trying so hard to stay anchored to =)
~*you've got to lose to know how to win~*

Tonight.Tonight

It's interesting to go from a place where prayer solves every problem...
to a place where you feel like prayer can't solve any problems.
Even though my heart knows it really can,
my ... everything else.... screams out that that's just silly.
These are my obstacles, I should love them.
~*I know the heart of life is good~*

This is how it works....

Oh Man....
Who knew life would be so confusing.refreshing.wonderful.
I wonder if I'm odd... I think about Houston every day.
at least once a day, a moment will take me back there...
back to riding my bike in the 90% humidity in July.
back to the love I felt for these young women
who I spent every waking hour of every day with
for anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months.
Ah. back to the love that I feel for the people there.
But here I am, trying to figure life out.
And you know, I love it just as much.
yeah, it's a little different, but missionary service has given me such a perspective about God's love for me, about life, about all of Heavenly Father's children.
I still do and say dumb things fairly often. I still mess up. But, you know, i feel alot more grounded. alot more myself. Just more confident, I think.
This is good.

*take that love you made. and stick it into some. someone else's heart. pumpin' someone else's blood*

I SociAliZed!!!

.... and it was fun!!
I have spent the last six weeks fighting integration into the social world.
but guess what!! yesterday AND today I had fun with people that weren't married and weren't my family!!!
I AM SO AWESOMMMMEEE!!!
now on to the next big step: ...
I think it's dating.
I can't think about that yet!
BUT!!
I'm sure I will get there!
and when I do!
you better look out world =)

This morning I studied the very end of the Book of Helaman, in the Book of Mormon.
In chapter 16 verse 21, the wicked people have just finished hearing Samuel, the Lamanite. ah, I love Samuel. He is just so... pure. God tells him to do it, he has no fear and does it. so anyway, in verse 21, they are rationalizing their wickedness, saying that the prophets have "worked some great mystery which we cannot understand, which will keep us down to be servants to their words, and also servants unto them."
Is it just me, or is it a pattern throughout the scriptures:
People don't make sense.
how does it make any sense that these prophets, who are only declaring the word of God, who are asking no money, no support, they are only striving to bring people closer to Christ, they are asking nothing, only declaring repentance, and yet the wicked say that it is done to make people servants of the prophets.
What are they doing to serve the Prophets?
they're not even listening!
they're just throwing rocks and shooting arrows.
I guess I just don't see it.
What I do see, however, is that wicked people work up "some mystery which they cannot understand" unto themselves. they get so into these crazy theories, these false doctrines mingled with small traces of true doctrine, and it all just becomes too mysterious to believe.
I am so grateful to have a living Prophet.
We are encouraged to study the fundamentals of the gospel, the basic principles:
faith, repentance, the atonement of Jesus Christ.
these are basic doctrines.
God loves each and every one of His children.
He has a plan for each of us to return to live in His presence.
The only way to Him is in and through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I loved this scripture about Grace i found the other day:
2 Nephi 10:24
I love the scriptures. they bring me closer to Christ.
Pray, ask God, receive.
the answers are there.

*floating along as the melody comes*

BacK to UsuaL ... only not really.

So I've been home now....
nearly five weeks. time goes fast.
Last night I went to a party for one of my little sister's friends.
Her name is Eliza. she turned 16.
being a missionary has made me alot more aware of others.
And it felt natural to offer to help at this party.
Eliza's mom thanked me, she told me that I helped right when she needed me.
Just like a missionary.
that part almost made me cry.
I probably would have cried if i wasn't surrounded by cheery teenagers.
[[i didn't want to be the party killer]]
ah. I miss being a missionary.
I'm naturally awkward, but I fit right in in the mission field.
As a missionary, "awkward" is the new "awesome".
That all changes when the name tag comes off.
Socializing.... well. that's a whole new ball game.
I went to a fireside tonight. I brought a friend, so I had to stay and "socialize" afterward.
I stood against the wall the whole time.
I think i kinda hoped the wall would swallow me whole and i would be spared the awkward pain of having to talk to anybody I didn't know.
James and Andrew saved me from being completely overwhelmed towards the end.
We started talking about our missions.
I truly and seriously used to make alot of fun of people like me.
But now?
well, I'll tell you.
I'm most comfortable in a skirt.
and a backpack.
talking about the gospel.
and testifying about how it's blessed me.
call me crazy.
I do.

~*~*~hold on to that feeling~*~*~

wHo I waSn'T

You know. I used to make fun of people like me.
people who would talk about things they'd done
like there was never going to be anything greater.
I'm who i used to make fun of.
I guess what goes around comes around.
because, boy i've had some of the best experiences
that life has to offer.
there's been ups.
and alot of downs.
but ah, how I love.
so no matter the ups, or the downs
or the crazies
It is. and was. and ever will be.
all worth every
single
solitary
second.