It's better to feel pain than nothing at all

Something I've always hated about myself is that, when someone I know and love dies, I seem to always forget some of the best things about them.
These things come to me as time goes on, but at the time, I have a really hard time pulling up these memories to write down for their posterity or for their family at that time to remember them by.

As a little kid, I remember always wanting to be with Grandma. We would go visit my dad's parents,  and I always wanted to be with Grandma Joan. Grandpa Phil would walk us down the hall to her room so we could wait outside for her, until she was ready to come out and play with us. It didn't occur to me until later that maybe my Grandpa could have said, "Well, why can't I play with you? Don't you want to play with me?" He never did that, though. He never seemed to mind how much we loved to play with my Grandma, I think he just loved that we loved our Grandma so much.

 I have two parents who will drop anything for their family and their friends (who they consider to be family) to help them out with whatever it is that they need. They go above and beyond to do whatever they can do to help others. I did not realize that not everybody is like that until I was older, and that is such a good quality. My dad, I am certain, learned that from my Grandpa Phil. Grandpa was always doing something to be better. When my dad and his brothers were young, Grandpa Phil let the missionaries stay with them, back in the days when missionaries went without purse or scrip, whenever they needed a place to stay. One of the missionaries that remembers this wrote a book about his memories of the mission, and he seems to remember the Hoskins' in Newhall pretty well. Thanks to this missionary writing down those memories, Grandpa's kids and grandkids and great grandkids will always be able to know and remember just what a good and kind man Grandpa was.

Grandpa Phil wasn't always active in the Church. I feel like I can appreciate his membership in the church better because of all the years he spent inactive. He always exemplified what a follower of Christ should be like, even back in the days when he wasn't active in the church, even at times when I'm sure he met members of the Church who were making less than ideal decisions. This is the best legacy you can leave for your progeny, I think, to truly live the Shakespearean aphorism that says, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." Grandpa really lived up to this. He isn't one of those people who you just say good things about after he dies, because I've always loved my Grandpa my whole life and could not really think of one bad thing to say about him. Not to say that he's perfect, and maybe those closer to him could think of a few of his mistakes, but boy do I love him, and I'm so grateful to be one of his grandkids.

I just can't imagine this world without Grandpa. He used to take us fishing and tell us all about rocks and dinosaur bones and show us all of the things he used to find. Once, while fishing with him, I pointed out something to him that in my mind was kind of silly. He told me that I'd just made an analogy, which is comparing something to something else, and from then on my silly little analogies didn't seem so silly anymore. Grandpa loved me, he loved all of his grandkids. I called Grandma Joan to leave her a message the other day, to tell her I love her, and picturing that house and that beautiful view of the lake without Grandpa there.... it just doesn't quite seem to match up, I haven't really comprehended it just yet.

I know Grandpa Phil is happy. His body was starting to fail, as all of ours will eventually. A couple of weeks after my Jax was born, Grandpa fell and broke his hip. He's an independent kind of fellow, and I don't think he particularly liked the surgery he had to have, the drugs he had to take, or all the help he needed after that. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for my Grandpa, and that he is waiting anxiously for my Grandma, for when she can do his work with him. His mind is clear and I do think that his spirit is probably rejoicing in being free of his ailments.  I know he will miss us, he loves us so much, but time will go fast for him with all the work he has, and soon we will all be reunited.

I am so full of happiness for the life of my Grandpa, and sad that the rest of my life will be spent only with my memories of him. I hope that I do not forget these things, hope that I have the presence of mind to write them down as I remember them so my kids can know what a beautiful life their great-Grandpa led. I hope that they can model their lives after his, and that we can all become better because of those who are before are us.

I cannot express how deeply grateful I am for God's plan. This Easter, Christ's resurrection has special meaning for my family, as it is evidence that we will see my Grandfather again, and that time is not too far off. This Easter is evidence of Christ's love for each of us, for my grandparents, for my parents, for me and my husband, and for my little son, that each of us can be together sealed as a family, and with our bodies whole and perfect, because of His love for us, and His unfathomable sacrifice.

For you, Grandpa Phil. Since we can't all be together, this is my virtual toast to the wonderful life you led. I love you and while I can wait to see you again, I will always look forward to it my whole life.





~~Keep your head up~~